Step One Again

It was easy to see the critical nature of alcoholism. Over a period of time I could no longer be a goodmother. I could no longer earn a living. I could no longer be present with what was happening around me. I could no longer face the world. I no longer wanted to live. In fact, with the help of alcohol and a few other mind altering substances, I lost my health and all of a normal life. It was a long climb back from the abyss that couldn't have been done without the help of AA.

Now that I am dealing with overeating, I am not faced with the same dire set of circumstances. But I am affected just the same. My health and well-being are both affected and both will suffer with more weight gain. The more I try to control my eating, the more I cannot control it. Dieting and exercise consume my thoughts but not my actions. The bigger I get, the more I want to stay in my home and hide. I don't want to buy clothes. Nothing feels comfortable. Discouragement waits for me at every corner. That is because I am impatient and want immediate results. I just want the problem to go away on its own. If I ignore the problem, maybe it won't be there anymore. I want to blame other things for my weight gain such as the stress at work and the unavailability of healthy food in the vending machines. If I wasn't so tired from work, perhaps I would have more energy for exercise and planning meals, etc. Work is a good thing to blame but life is not stress free. If it is not one thing, it is another.

I can trace my weight gain to a couple of factors. I gained weight when I got a car and no longer had to walk either to my destination or the bus stop. I gained weight when I started to take lithium. I gained weight when my job became more sedentary. Of course my consumption of junk food has gone up gradually over this period of time. I feel myself wanting to withdraw and have done that to a certain extent.

"Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to AA and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us." (12&12 pg 24)

I made the decision to go to OA. After having experience in AA and seeing it work in my life, I thought why not give the 12 steps a try again. I have seen the obsession to drink lifted from me. If that can happen, why not the obsession to overeat. I have tried everything I can think of to lose weight. I am open to doing this.