Step 11

There is one thing I am happy about this morning. I woke up early, I have time to be introspective and I don't have to go to work. I can journal and reflect and be at peace while letting go temporarily of the demands of daily living. For awhile at least I can just be. I need these moments to feel somewhat at ease with the world.

I have been experiencing quite a few moments of unease and unhappiness. I berate myself because I don't measure up to where I think I should be. Sometimes I feel so discouraged and hopeless. It is such a relief to let go of all that and not worry mostly about what I didn't do that I said I would do at least to myself. I find myself wishing that I could temporarily withdraw from the world and somehow I think that if I could just do that, I could recenter, rebalance and generally be ok. It sounds like a retreat would be just the ticket. For now I will just enjoy this morning of solitude and quiet.

Step 11

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I meditated for half an hour this morning. Many thoughts arose and passed away. Apparently if I do this often enough, my mind will quiet and I will know stillness and serenity.

"This doctrine of reincarnation, which at first seems so grim and heartless, actually implies a profoundly optimistic belief in the justice and order of the universe. If it is we - and not God, or our parents, or our fellow men - who have made our present predicament, then it is we who can change it. We have no excuse for self-pity and no reason for despair. We are not helplessly doomed... All we need is courage and a determination not to give up the struggle." (How to Know God - The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali, page 125)

To really understand the context of this quote, I would have to quote quite a few pages from the book. But what really jumped out for me in this discussion of reincarnation and karma is the notion that I have the power to change. It is only an illusion that I am stuck. In 12 step circles there is the concept that we do the work and leave the results up to God. I may not be able to determine how or when karma will unfold, but I have the confidence that my present circumstance will lead to my future circumstance. What I do today will impact my future either skillfully or not skillfully, positively or negatively and in ways that I cannot imagine. I quit drinking and using drugs more than 8 years ago. My life has not been perfect but I have enjoyed a stability I had not known up to that point. I overeat and don't exercise enough and I gain weight - another expression of karma. Reading and contemplating and meditating and going to meetings and working the steps will lead to some positive outcome in the future. I don't know what and I don't know when. I just have to be patient and accept what comes along.

Wisdom from Deepak

I was checking blogs this morning and found some good inspiration on the Chopra Center Blog. It is about the Law of Karma and making it work in your life. Here it is:

"I will put the Law of Karma into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. Today I will witness the choices I make in each moment. And in the mere witnessing of these choices, I will bring them to my conscious awareness. I will know that the best way to prepare for any moment in the future is to be fully conscious in the present.
2. Whenever I make a choice, I will ask myself two questions: "What are the consequences of this choice that I'm making?" and "Will this choice bring fulfillment and happiness to me and also to those who are affected by this choice?"
3. I will then ask my heart for guidance and be guided by its message of comfort or discomfort. If the choice feels comfortable, I will plunge ahead with abandon. If the choice feels uncomfortable, I will pause and see the consequences of my action with my inner vision. This guidance will enable me to make spontaneously correct choices for myself and for all those around me."

In 12 Step circles, we are advised to pause throughout the day and utter the prayer "Thy will, not mine, be done". I think this prayer as well as Deepak's instructions get us to pause and consider consequences before we act impetuously. We also have time to consider how our decisions affect not only ourselves but other people. The Big Book says that selfishness and self-centeredness was our problem and throughout the Big Book we are encouraged to see how we can help others. This is emphasized in the Step 3 and Step 7 prayers.

Step 3 Prayer

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. (Big Book pg 63)

Step 7 Prayer

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. (Big Book pg 76)

The AA 12 Steps culminate in the final step "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs." So today I will try to always consider the consequences of my actions on myself and others and I will try to think about what I can do for others rather than what is wrong with me and my life. That is the intention that I will set for myself today. I already know ahead of time that I won't do this perfectly but this program is also about progress, not perfection.

The Last Supper

Tonight I am all alone and a little lonely. I also decided, perhaps because I am alone, that I would go to McDonalds and order what I have dubbed, "The Last Supper". I wrote the date of my last supper in my Big Book with the idea that one day I would look back and say, "That was when my abstinence day was." Anyways, like usually happens, I feel fat, bloated and somewhat sickly. I am trying to impress that feeling on my brain so I will remember that feeling in the future. I have also decided that I would ask a particular person to be my sponsor. With that comes the inevitable fear of rejection. I want to put days like today behind me and enjoy a feeling of balance in my life instead of feeling out of control in so many areas as I do. The only way I know how to accomplish that is through the 12 steps and with that I need help.

Step One Again

It was easy to see the critical nature of alcoholism. Over a period of time I could no longer be a goodmother. I could no longer earn a living. I could no longer be present with what was happening around me. I could no longer face the world. I no longer wanted to live. In fact, with the help of alcohol and a few other mind altering substances, I lost my health and all of a normal life. It was a long climb back from the abyss that couldn't have been done without the help of AA.

Now that I am dealing with overeating, I am not faced with the same dire set of circumstances. But I am affected just the same. My health and well-being are both affected and both will suffer with more weight gain. The more I try to control my eating, the more I cannot control it. Dieting and exercise consume my thoughts but not my actions. The bigger I get, the more I want to stay in my home and hide. I don't want to buy clothes. Nothing feels comfortable. Discouragement waits for me at every corner. That is because I am impatient and want immediate results. I just want the problem to go away on its own. If I ignore the problem, maybe it won't be there anymore. I want to blame other things for my weight gain such as the stress at work and the unavailability of healthy food in the vending machines. If I wasn't so tired from work, perhaps I would have more energy for exercise and planning meals, etc. Work is a good thing to blame but life is not stress free. If it is not one thing, it is another.

I can trace my weight gain to a couple of factors. I gained weight when I got a car and no longer had to walk either to my destination or the bus stop. I gained weight when I started to take lithium. I gained weight when my job became more sedentary. Of course my consumption of junk food has gone up gradually over this period of time. I feel myself wanting to withdraw and have done that to a certain extent.

"Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to AA and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us." (12&12 pg 24)

I made the decision to go to OA. After having experience in AA and seeing it work in my life, I thought why not give the 12 steps a try again. I have seen the obsession to drink lifted from me. If that can happen, why not the obsession to overeat. I have tried everything I can think of to lose weight. I am open to doing this.