Feeling encouraged

"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul." - Simone Weil

I know many times I feel discouraged and feel like giving up. But even when it feels like I am not making progress, perhaps at least mentally I am. I read somewhere else that it is in our darkest hour that we are making or are on the verge of making the most progress. That is the optimist trying to shine through. I wasn't feeling very optimistic this past weekend though. I was actually quite depressed. Perhaps that is my body's way of telling me to stop and rest because that is what I did. I didn't have a choice really. The urge to sleep and not fight was very strong and I slept and slept and slept. I am ready to join the land of the living once again and I feel ready to resume where I left off on the steps. I am currently on Step 4, the searching and fearless moral inventory. It is called a fearless inventory but I really don't know the meaning of the word fearless. If there is nothing to fear I will find something. Perhaps "fearless" refers to acting as if there was no fear.

"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it." Big Book pg 73

People know I am bipolar and I don't really have a problem with that on an intellectual level. However, I don't want people to know that I fall apart from time to time. I want everyone to see me as normal and fully functioning. I don't want to admit that I have problems and I make mistakes and I am not as together as I like to seem. But I keep plugging along, trying to do my best and I am making progress and really that is what it is all about.