Surrender and Acceptance

SStep 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life- unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

- The Big Book, pg 417

When I was ready to get sober, it was easy for me to admit Step 1. I had made a mess of my life and my family's life. I was full of guilt and shame and self-hatred. Even though I had admitted powerlessness over alcohol, I still hadn't reached a point where I could accept it and I didn't know how to surrender. I agonized over why I chose to do the things I did. I was full of self-pity as I had to face the consequences of my actions. Somehow I thought that if I could figure out why I was an alcoholic, I could relieve some of the guilt and shame that I was feeling. I never did figure out the why but I have come to accept that I am alcoholic. When I drank I didn't know when I would stop. Drinking was no longer fun but a way to escape reality by drinking as much as I could in as short a period as possible so that I would pass out. I needed to accept the reality as outlined in "The Doctor's Opinion" on page xxviii:

"...the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once havinglost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

That was over 8 yrs ago that I admitted powerlessness over alcohol. I agonized over the fact that my life had become unmanageable. Those addictive tendencies have not left me though. I don't drink today and don't want or need to. The urge to drink has been removed. But I have new addictions that might not cause me as much grief but trouble me just the same. I never quit smoking and that affects my health. I replaced an alcohol addiction with a food addiction and, to a lesser extent, a shopping addiction. I am slowly gaining weight and feel powerless to stop. I just wish I could get addicted to exercise and oat bran! I believe that if I was able to find a happy life of sobriety using the 12 steps, I can use those steps again to deal with my other addictions and find more contentment. My life has vastly improved since those first days in AA but one must keep making progress.

I am going to spend some time contemplating step 1 and what it means to me in my life. I am going to work on acceptance of my shortcomings and acceptance of who I am as a person. The program is an ongoing way of life and I am going to "continue to practice these principles in all my affairs."