My Weekend

My weekend ended up seeming to be ok to me despite feeling a little sick (a cold) and feeling a bit depressed. I did manage to be abstinent all weekend (3 meals and no binges). When I did feel depressed and discouraged, I did what I ought to do and went to a meeting and talked to my sponsor. I was able to express some frustration and the meeting topic seemed to fit exactly what was on my mind. I came home, ate lunch and went to the gym with my daughter. There are massage chairs at the gym and I like to reward myself with a massage after a work out. I am a little tired now but it is a good tired. I think it will be early to bed with a book.

I've been reflecting a lot on a passage from the Big Book that my sponsor shared with me earlier in the week, It is from page 30 and it says this:
"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker (or eater). The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics (compulsive overeaters). This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic (compulsive overeater) ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."

I've been watching people at work snack at their desks. I look at them with envy wishing I could have the control they have. But I am coming to accept that I am different. I am definitely prone to many forms of addiction, food just being particularly troublesome at this point in my life. Being abstinent this weekend, I am feeling pretty good about myself right now though I couldn't have done this on my own. Being in OA is teaching me how to rely on others in the fellowship and how to reach inside of myself for a power greater than me. Recovery is not something that happens overnight so I must be patient and not expect immediate results. I only have today and I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. I do know that I feel a lot better after being abstinent than after a binge on chocolate bars. It is a horrible feeling when I get angry with myself for not sticking to my plan and giving in to the cravings. I try to take note of the positive feelings as much as possible so I will want to do what it takes to get them.