Step 11

There is one thing I am happy about this morning. I woke up early, I have time to be introspective and I don't have to go to work. I can journal and reflect and be at peace while letting go temporarily of the demands of daily living. For awhile at least I can just be. I need these moments to feel somewhat at ease with the world.

I have been experiencing quite a few moments of unease and unhappiness. I berate myself because I don't measure up to where I think I should be. Sometimes I feel so discouraged and hopeless. It is such a relief to let go of all that and not worry mostly about what I didn't do that I said I would do at least to myself. I find myself wishing that I could temporarily withdraw from the world and somehow I think that if I could just do that, I could recenter, rebalance and generally be ok. It sounds like a retreat would be just the ticket. For now I will just enjoy this morning of solitude and quiet.

Step 11

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I meditated for half an hour this morning. Many thoughts arose and passed away. Apparently if I do this often enough, my mind will quiet and I will know stillness and serenity.

"This doctrine of reincarnation, which at first seems so grim and heartless, actually implies a profoundly optimistic belief in the justice and order of the universe. If it is we - and not God, or our parents, or our fellow men - who have made our present predicament, then it is we who can change it. We have no excuse for self-pity and no reason for despair. We are not helplessly doomed... All we need is courage and a determination not to give up the struggle." (How to Know God - The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali, page 125)

To really understand the context of this quote, I would have to quote quite a few pages from the book. But what really jumped out for me in this discussion of reincarnation and karma is the notion that I have the power to change. It is only an illusion that I am stuck. In 12 step circles there is the concept that we do the work and leave the results up to God. I may not be able to determine how or when karma will unfold, but I have the confidence that my present circumstance will lead to my future circumstance. What I do today will impact my future either skillfully or not skillfully, positively or negatively and in ways that I cannot imagine. I quit drinking and using drugs more than 8 years ago. My life has not been perfect but I have enjoyed a stability I had not known up to that point. I overeat and don't exercise enough and I gain weight - another expression of karma. Reading and contemplating and meditating and going to meetings and working the steps will lead to some positive outcome in the future. I don't know what and I don't know when. I just have to be patient and accept what comes along.

Feeling encouraged

"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul." - Simone Weil

I know many times I feel discouraged and feel like giving up. But even when it feels like I am not making progress, perhaps at least mentally I am. I read somewhere else that it is in our darkest hour that we are making or are on the verge of making the most progress. That is the optimist trying to shine through. I wasn't feeling very optimistic this past weekend though. I was actually quite depressed. Perhaps that is my body's way of telling me to stop and rest because that is what I did. I didn't have a choice really. The urge to sleep and not fight was very strong and I slept and slept and slept. I am ready to join the land of the living once again and I feel ready to resume where I left off on the steps. I am currently on Step 4, the searching and fearless moral inventory. It is called a fearless inventory but I really don't know the meaning of the word fearless. If there is nothing to fear I will find something. Perhaps "fearless" refers to acting as if there was no fear.

"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it." Big Book pg 73

People know I am bipolar and I don't really have a problem with that on an intellectual level. However, I don't want people to know that I fall apart from time to time. I want everyone to see me as normal and fully functioning. I don't want to admit that I have problems and I make mistakes and I am not as together as I like to seem. But I keep plugging along, trying to do my best and I am making progress and really that is what it is all about.

Wisdom from Deepak

I was checking blogs this morning and found some good inspiration on the Chopra Center Blog. It is about the Law of Karma and making it work in your life. Here it is:

"I will put the Law of Karma into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:

1. Today I will witness the choices I make in each moment. And in the mere witnessing of these choices, I will bring them to my conscious awareness. I will know that the best way to prepare for any moment in the future is to be fully conscious in the present.
2. Whenever I make a choice, I will ask myself two questions: "What are the consequences of this choice that I'm making?" and "Will this choice bring fulfillment and happiness to me and also to those who are affected by this choice?"
3. I will then ask my heart for guidance and be guided by its message of comfort or discomfort. If the choice feels comfortable, I will plunge ahead with abandon. If the choice feels uncomfortable, I will pause and see the consequences of my action with my inner vision. This guidance will enable me to make spontaneously correct choices for myself and for all those around me."

In 12 Step circles, we are advised to pause throughout the day and utter the prayer "Thy will, not mine, be done". I think this prayer as well as Deepak's instructions get us to pause and consider consequences before we act impetuously. We also have time to consider how our decisions affect not only ourselves but other people. The Big Book says that selfishness and self-centeredness was our problem and throughout the Big Book we are encouraged to see how we can help others. This is emphasized in the Step 3 and Step 7 prayers.

Step 3 Prayer

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. (Big Book pg 63)

Step 7 Prayer

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. (Big Book pg 76)

The AA 12 Steps culminate in the final step "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs." So today I will try to always consider the consequences of my actions on myself and others and I will try to think about what I can do for others rather than what is wrong with me and my life. That is the intention that I will set for myself today. I already know ahead of time that I won't do this perfectly but this program is also about progress, not perfection.