A Couple of Steps

I enjoy all the spiritual steps but I always have a hard time sharing about them in the meetings. I always feel like a misfit when discussing them because a) I don't call my Higher Power God and b) I am interested in Buddhism. I always have to adjust the language of recovery literature to match my own conceptions. I don't mind doing this. Just sharing about it is a challenge.

"It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of AA's Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door." (12&12 pg 40)

Now I don't try to align my will with God's but I do have a spiritual tradition that I try to follow. Buddhism tells me that the Noble Eightfold Path (right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration) will help me to overcome suffering in my life. There are also the 5 Precepts which are:

1. We abstain from killing any being - people, animals and all living creatures. It is our intention to offer safety to all beings, everywhere without discrimination.
2. We abstain from taking things which have not been freely given to us. Things not given freely belong to someone else.
3. We abstain from sexual misconduct defined as sexual abuse, extramarital affairs and sexual relationships with those who are underage. It is our intention to protect others and ourselves from sexual harms.
4. We abstain from lying. The essence of Buddhist practice is to seek the truth. Lying creates and perpetuates delusion. Lies have the capacity to create physical and emotional harm. It is our intention to prevent potential danger.
5. We abstain from intoxicants which includes even small amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs because they cloud our ability to be mindful. They can also contribute to breaching the conduct specified in the other four precepts. Our intention is to prevent potential harm to others and ourselves.

I have heard also that "making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him" also involves making a decision to carry on with the steps. So, for me, doing step 3 is following the Noble Eightfold Path, the Five Precepts and doing the steps and following the principles taught by 12 Step methods to the best of my ability. Is it easy? No. Do I believe that by following these guidelines "a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"? Yes. That means I have accepted the principles of Steps 2 & 3 and am ready to move on with the steps. I have started Step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I will save Step 4 for another blog entry.

Even though I get Steps 1 through 3, I am still struggling with overeating. I ate too much chocolate and too many TimBits yesterday and I am thoroughly frustrated. It reminds me of a quote from the Big Book on page 64:

"Though our decision was a vital and crucial step (Step 3), it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor is but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions."

I am hoping that steps 4 & 5 will rid me of this urge to overeat or at least give me the strength not to overeat. That being said, it is a new day and a new start.

Step 10

I went to a meeting and the subject was Step 10. The fellow that shared stated that he knew when he needed to do a Step 10 when he started to feel "restless, irritable and discontented" (pg xxviii Big Book). Also, he referred to the bedevilments on pg 52 of the Big Book:

• We were having trouble with personal relationships
• We couldn't control our emotional natures
• We were a prey to misery and depression
• We couldn't make a living
• We had a feeling of uselessness
• We were full of fear
• We were unhappy
• We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people

Then of course there was the starting to obsess about the object of addiction. I certainly need to go through this process (Steps 4-9) again. I am definitely restless and discontented. The pit of my stomach is always churning. Though my life is not a total disaster, I am affected by the bedevilments to a degree. There are areas of my life that I am not happy with - work, finances especially. I don't feel like my attention is on my work properly. I am full of fear though I can't exactly nail down why. This is just a very broad overview of the problem as I see it. It is time to dive into Step 4 and get it all out. May I have the courage to do that!