Step One Continued

I found a workbook to follow while I go through the steps at www.12stepworkbook.org. In it it talks about the "six essential characteristics of alcoholism and other addictions" on pg 10. The name of the workbook is "A Twelve Step Workbook: Al Kohallek Goes Stepping".

The six essential characteristics are as follows:

1. Allergy: "...the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all..." (Big Book pg xxviii) For me, I know I cannot drink. Now I plan to use this for my food addiction. Whenever I eat anything sweet I find it hard to stop. My stomach can be bursting but I want more. I never just have one chocolate bar in a day or one donut when they are available. Nuts are also awesome but I don't have one handful. I like bread too, especially fresh bread and two slices are too many and 100 are not enough (slight exaggeration).
2. Progressive: "We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better". (Big Book pg 30) My drinking career got worse over time and eventually included prescription and OTC medications to enhance the effect of alcohol. Then marijuana was added to the mix and it was a quick steady descent towards my bottom that led me to AA. My food addiction has progressed as well. Now I am almost a daily muncher. I try very hard to stick to foods that are good for me but I can't leave the sugar alone and the scale is showing the effects. I worry about health complications like diabetes, etc. Yet I continue doing what I do. Cunning, baffling, powerful.
3. Self-Delusion: "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (Big Book pg 30) At the end of my drinking career I wasn't even worried about normal drinking. All I wanted was oblivion and I knew how to get it. I had reached the point where I couldn't live with or without drinking. I have been studying the drinking and eating habits of other people. I watch people take a whole morning to eat a chocolate bar or a bag of chips. Whatever I eat is gone in no time. Even a regular meal is polished off way before everyone else. My delusion is that I will eat what I want right now and start over tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes. Only the "Why did I do that?". There is also that belief that whatever I eat in private doesn't count. I know this is pure silliness.
4. Distortion of Attention: I couldn't find a Big Book quote right now but I know with my eating, I think constantly about dieting, exercise and losing weight. It feels like almost every waking minute is spent obsessing about this topic. After all the thinking, I feel tired to diet and exercise. The scale goes up and that is about it.
5. Loss of Willpower: "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol... They are restless, irritable and discontent unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink agian. This is repeated over and over and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery". (Big Book pg xxviii-xxix) I so want to eat right and be healthy and feel good. I always feel guilty when I go to the vending machine. I always vow not to do this anymore and yet again I find myself doing what I want to stop. Where is the willpower? It is not working for me.
6. Withdrawal: "They are restless, irritable and discontented unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks..." (Big Book pg xxviii-xxix) I must say alcohol did a better job at getting rid of restlessness, irritability and discontentment. It is hard to feel these things when you are comatose. I would say at best that I have a few seconds of relief while I eat a chocolate bar but as soon as I finish the feelings I want to avoid are intensified. I have an almost constant feeling of "rrrrggghhh" that I can't describe but leads me to always look for an easy way to relieve it. I know better but I keep doing it.

Surrender and Acceptance

SStep 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life- unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

- The Big Book, pg 417

When I was ready to get sober, it was easy for me to admit Step 1. I had made a mess of my life and my family's life. I was full of guilt and shame and self-hatred. Even though I had admitted powerlessness over alcohol, I still hadn't reached a point where I could accept it and I didn't know how to surrender. I agonized over why I chose to do the things I did. I was full of self-pity as I had to face the consequences of my actions. Somehow I thought that if I could figure out why I was an alcoholic, I could relieve some of the guilt and shame that I was feeling. I never did figure out the why but I have come to accept that I am alcoholic. When I drank I didn't know when I would stop. Drinking was no longer fun but a way to escape reality by drinking as much as I could in as short a period as possible so that I would pass out. I needed to accept the reality as outlined in "The Doctor's Opinion" on page xxviii:

"...the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once havinglost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

That was over 8 yrs ago that I admitted powerlessness over alcohol. I agonized over the fact that my life had become unmanageable. Those addictive tendencies have not left me though. I don't drink today and don't want or need to. The urge to drink has been removed. But I have new addictions that might not cause me as much grief but trouble me just the same. I never quit smoking and that affects my health. I replaced an alcohol addiction with a food addiction and, to a lesser extent, a shopping addiction. I am slowly gaining weight and feel powerless to stop. I just wish I could get addicted to exercise and oat bran! I believe that if I was able to find a happy life of sobriety using the 12 steps, I can use those steps again to deal with my other addictions and find more contentment. My life has vastly improved since those first days in AA but one must keep making progress.

I am going to spend some time contemplating step 1 and what it means to me in my life. I am going to work on acceptance of my shortcomings and acceptance of who I am as a person. The program is an ongoing way of life and I am going to "continue to practice these principles in all my affairs."